this is tonight

I don’t want it to go back to how it was for what seemed like so many years you see

unable to sleep lying in the dark afraid of the shadows
the lifeless light filling me with dread
keep getting up… look out the window
pushing aside the brightly coloured curtains that shifted into
geometric traps in the night

the street light was a silent eye, watching
the alleyway was seemingly empty.
what was I looking for, anyway?

couldn’t sleep…

awake, half dreaming, awake, crying, so sad scared lonely
didn’t even know what it was about.

my old primary school down the road
still smells the same as ten years ago
the taps outside the classrooms…

my room is different
I wonder if my teacher is still there
time stopped, time moved on
there’s a new sandpit

ten years ago.
TEN YEARS SO LONG

now sitting here alone
so dark outside
curtains protecting me
I’ve broekn windows… twisted metal… fixed things, played so many songs
so many different keys held my pleasure, and now my pain

I haven’t played today.

I’m here on the couch
the buses are still running.
I’m not sure exactly where I’m going to sleep

I’m worried about someone kind of scared
maybe really? why my eyes
no don’t cry it isn’t. there

would turn up this rock music louder but for fear of waking others
sometimes I just never want to sleep but look

it’s a capital I.

~

you know I don’t really want to stop talking
there’s an old place
a new place
I loved once, miss, know my friends
been deceived so many times, tricked once too many – a death isn’t a thing to fake
I’m so sad about everything but I don’t feel
I deserve to be this way

why can’t I just shut up and carry on move on why why

I don’t fit in anymore there
they are young and happy
some are young and dying
they don’t deserve to be
who am I to speak about myself this way then, but does it matter, how much can I care, how much can I forget, how much can go on, who am i really and where am I going I don’t know anymroe

I’m the mid ground

the one with no friends
the one who’s never had any.
the one who associates with people but never becomes close, never really loves
the one who’s been let down so many times
the one who just want to run away
the one holding secrets so unfair and painful

WHY?

I don’t understand

~

I don’t belong

~

I don’t need to belong

~

I will never be anything I want in this life
having hope for another I do. there will be happiness there

sometimes I get caught in the detail of this timestream
and I can’t pull free
i’m not free
i can’t free myself
not strong enough
undeserving.

there is not enough music

enough tones

there is nothing else to express

i could talk forever

i could cry forever and throw myself into rivers
there is not enough pain yet
don’t know if I left a scar
I don’t want it to have left a scar
I don’t want them to know or to see
I want them to care.

I don’t even know who i want them to be.

~

BREATHE

~

can’t leave the screen
going to remember things if I go
don’t know what I mean anymore

want to keep talking forever
wish someone was here
wish I could trust someone
a person here
someone like me

wish I could bring myself to trust anyone at all
wish I didn’t have to always feel betrayed
wish I could be less suspicious, more simple
wish I could just laugh.

wish i didn’t have to be so mad to hide
wish I wasn’t so cynical now

sometimes I don’t like who I am

sometimes I look in the mirror and I’m beautiful

sometimes I hate my face.

I’m afraid when people look at me
but sometimes I don’t care

like that time I was tearing salami like a dog when that posh couple walked past
I did it on purpose.
Will anyone remember?

there are many memories I clutch at as they disappear, as if they never were alive, as if i never lived them
NOBODY ELSE REMEMBERS

why should they?

what is a memory? why so important to me?

why do I sit here at eleven at night, unblinking, staring at a long list of american time zones?
and I tore myself away.
I did not sort my acrylic paints into rainbow order.
i liike that i did that
but I can’t think about the paints because they seem wrong like they are
too random.

but life is not ordered.

control is something I will never have, will always search for, will always panic about
always feel like I’m falling
always need to know
always need to ask

never trusting

always falling.

~

can’t get away alone

can’t stay here

can’t be with anyone

don’t want to be alone

hate my indecision

don’t know what I should do
dont know what I CAN do.

~

now just wasting your time
is that all I can do at this moment

what am I trying to do here anyway
i don’t even understand myselft
none of it makes sense
i want it to rain
I want it to drill into the ground so loud I can’t hear my own voice

i want to run in it in the dark.

i want to stand in it under a city light and imagine power

i want to be forgotten

i want to remember.

~

nobody on earth knows who I am
I want you to understand, I know you probably won’t, but at least you may have listened
and that is enough for me right now
it is all I deserve

this is one thousand words
this is one thousand words…

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10 Responses to this is tonight

  1. abisnail56 says:

    I listened.

  2. diannegray says:

    This would made an amazing song, Tarina. If you ever put it to music please post it here πŸ˜‰

  3. That was so beautiful! I feel so sad but in a good way. It felt very raw, emotional, and real.

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