Smudgy photo and YouTube

Clock in the CBD.

There appears to be a spot on my camera lens. :&
I didn’t notice it there before.

Right – on YouTubing. This is why I am nervous about posting myself Singing and Guitar-ing on the net. I’ll try to explain it.

I am a keyboardist. I play the keyboard. I play it reasonably well. I have uploaded some of my pieces, and they are pretty well mistake free. I’m happy with them, and people seem to like them. (I think. I’ve only had one comment and it may not really count.)

I have set myself to learn the guitar, and it has been a little over two months now – I can play some chords and change chords quick enough to play some songs; I have written 3-4 already. I’m not great at the guitar. I’m not great at singing. I wouldn’t say I’m particularly horrible at it…. but I’m not great.

Soooo – for most people this would not matter, and it would not stop them. They upload their songs to YouTube, and people watch and enjoy them, it doesn’t matter that they are not absolutely perfect, not ‘professional’. I’m kind of sick of professional if you know what I mean. Grown-up artists and that, yeah, but since when did I have to be like that? Well, I might be able to answer that one actually.

I really started to notice it around ten years of age. About writing. And it has just been that way since. It’s not that bad, but part of it has been set off reinforcing itself in me, so that it’s really hard to sing for people, and I don’t know if I’m going to sing on my own in public, anytime soon. Well, they’re all polite, aren’t they! How am I going to know if it’s not actually true, I can’t sing very good, I’m not loud enough, my notes are flat, there’s not enough ‘feeling’ in my voice. Ha.

I guess the point I’m trying to make here is that I have these ingrained thought patterns and standards that make it really scary to expose any imperfections to the world. I can’t stand people reading my work right in front of me, either. If they start to read aloud I nearly die.

Also i want to make a living out of music. So I feel I have to present this perfect front of such standard to everyone. Would it wreck it if they saw my face, I’m just an ordinary teenager? Would it ruin everything if they saw me singing, not as good as all the other stars? Can my notsogood guitar affect my prettygood keyboard skills? Work is another ingrained thing in me it’s so important to make a living i am going to be fiftenn soon this is scary for me. It’s not like I’m going to die or anything. How do I know.

It’s raining now outside. The wind is blowing the rain against the glass windows. I’m not sure if I heard thunder earlier or not but even so I think i should post this and get off the computer…. not caring about all the spelling mistakes up there…. i don’t have to be so perfect on my own personal blog now do i?

Blog later

– Tarina

P.S Thank you for listening. 😀

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