I took this photo a couple of weeks ago now. Shadows of lavender flowers dancing on the wall on our back steps.
It was one of those things you see all the time – as familiar as breathing, just there, but at the same time going unnoticed for years. If you ever think about moving house, you will likely remember all the things about your current one that you will miss. It’s like that with memories too. In a way, memories are what it’s about.
Having lived here for years and never really seen this before, I felt the need to take a photo, however it may turn out, just to remember. It’s quite probable I won’t live here forever, and no one stays young forever. I become, at times, painfully aware of this. Just when did I stop being the carefree child running on the beach with sand in my shoes, clothes, bag, hair, icecream, everywhere? When did I stop longing to go swimming in the wild cold sea and look out further, feeling the fear of the ocean, how it goes on and on and you would die before it ever ended? When did I start wishing I was young again when I am actually still young? Since when was I into technology and why have I spent my money on saving for a computer and not on chocolate? When did I start being the teenager?
Life is not fair in this way. It feels as if I’ve lost something and I can’t get it back – it’s all I can do to hold on to the memories I have of precious things. I have kept a ‘Time Capsule’ for a year – writing sometimes every couple of days, or many times in one day, extensive diary entries or scrawlings on paper rubbish lying about the place. I put all these memories, pieces of my life, into a shoe box until it was packed full and the year was up. I remember every day of it as I read. I’m trying to keep those memories alive. I don’t want who I was to die – but I don’t really know still who I am.
I have dreams. I fly far away in my imagination sometimes. Living a new life, all my goals and dreams a reality, but then I find myself missing where I am now. I don’t know what to do about this. Am I missing out on something simply by trying to hang on? Where should I be going now?
I feel I am a traveller sometimes. Just moving on all the time. Travelling the world or maybe just my country, staying in cheap campgrounds and never having a home. But I would miss everything about my old life, just as I would always long to know what it was have been like to follow my heart if I had stayed.
Life is so confusing in this way. But I won’t dwell on it. I’m actually quite happy where I am now. I just think sometimes……..
Well. What have I done! I’ve made a real long non-boring post! (I think. You tell me.)
Did anyone guess the hangman word? I was actually serious xD
_ _ _ _ _ _ _
7 letters long.
So see you later and I welcome your comments, thank you for putting up with my non-interestingness these last couple days, I’ve finally got somewhere today so thank you.
-Tarina of Radioactive Eyeball